Cold Nostalgia

5.7.10 @ 05:21:00

Hey, I am actually going to reflect for a moment..

"If people believe in themselves, it's amazing what they can accomplish"
-Sam Walton-

I don't know why.. But whenever I think of the upcoming semester, I suddenly have the sudden urge to read books from my dad's library.

"The art of making people listen"

"100 ways to motivate others."

These are just some of the books that I have flicked through. From what I read.. I know what I lacked. Confidence. Striving. Conscientiousness.

I feel I still haven't done much to reassure myself that I can be someone dependable. Someone who can be entrusted with human lives. Someone respectable, at least. This caused a cascading effect. I no longer strive to be the best anymore. Getting average score seems alright so far. What happen to my competitive drive in primary school? High school? College? Did it disappear gradually as I went to the medicine course?

Medicine. I couldn't deny. It changed my perspective a lot. When I first stepped into the building, I was confident that I could chalk up another great achievement in my record. I have never been so wrong in my life. How could I have been so cocky? How could I shine among these sea of people who also gained my score during A level? These people are the creams of the cake.

Of course I did somehow thought about this before. But what reassured me then was that I went through my high school fine and did fairly well in my sixth form college in UK. How can I falter now? Well. What I forgot, is that statistics that I discovered a year ago. About how only 40% of medical applicants actually got in. I didn't delve deeper into it. Like why the rigorous elimination process of medical applicants? Don't we all need more doctors?

I see it now. The pressure you encountered in this course is nothing you have felt before. Even for me. A person who is rarely stressed. A person who just follows the flow of life. A person who never work so hard in life (this is before i came across medicine of course). They weren't kidding when they wanted to add a health caution next to medicine course in UCAS website. Not only is the course mentally demanding, it is also psychologically demanding.

In this course. You have family expectations, friends, your tutors, lecturers, future colleagues and of course your future, countless patients. During the first week I reached Newcastle, the workload was manageable. But as the weeks passed by, the works keep piling up. The lectures, practicals, presentations, assignments, patients shadowing, further book readings.. It is endless. The syllabus is limitless. So many times have I fell down during this first year into the course. So many times I felt I can't make it. So many times I picked myself up after I stumbled.. It is so tiring..

I still remember.. after my final exams have ended, a friend told me. "I can't imagine doing all this again for another year, and the next, and the next. I don't think I can handle this anymore.. is medicine really for me? Can I be a good doctor?" What he said struck me. Of course I tried to give him words of reassurance. But at that time, it felt more like I'm trying to reassure myself. Can I be a good doctor? Will I ever be one? Will I reach it?

I don't really know what is my point in writing all this now. But I know that I'm reading these books to help make me a better leader. That is one of the qualities of a good doctor. I know confidence is one of the main assets of a leader. I am lacking that now but I hope from today on, my confidence will build up bit by bit.

I know I'm not alone in this. Family and friends and of course, God, will always be there to catch me when I fall. For me to achieve this far.. I am truly grateful. I wish I can be a stronger person in the future. That I would read this post back in the future and laugh at my inconfidence and stupidity.. And be embarrassed on why the heck did I post this haha. As a reminder maybe? Well.. May that future come soon enough.

Every day when I wake up, I think.. "how do I live today in order to create the tomorrow I'm committed to?"

This will be my motivation.

Too much rambling!! ah well.

Praise to Allah :)

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